“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)

After having commanded children to be obedient to their parents, God gives an admonition to fathers. Do not provoke your children to anger. In Colossians 3:21, he words it this way, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”

Right at the beginning let me say emphatically that this does not mean fathers should not discipline their children. In Hebrews 12:7, the author says, “If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten?” Proverbs 13:24 says, “He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly.” So this passage in Ephesians is not talking about correct fatherly discipline, which, yes, may make a son angry.

Children get angry and hold bitterness when their parent’s discipline is excessive and when parents obviously are not listening to their children. The rest of this verse tells parents to train and nurture their children according to their own individual needs, personality, temperament, etc.

When discipline follows quickly after the offense, and is given in love, and when the parents are obviously forgiving of their children and not disciplining out of anger, the children are trained by that discipline. Hebrews 12:11 says, “No chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” You can see the emphasis at the end of this passage: “To those who have been trained by it.”

We’ve already touched on the rest of the verse. Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Discipline means training. When someone trains a vine to climb in a certain pattern on a wall, he is nudging and moving the vine regularly so that it follows a desired pattern. The discipline the Lord is asking parents to give children is similar. It is regular correction of behavior using many different methods to help the child follow patterns of living that are best for him.

Deuteronomy 6 gives some solid advice along this line. Parents are to talk about the Lord and His principles when they get up, as they walk through the day and when they go to bed. What does this mean? It means that we should be bringing spiritual truth to bear for every facet of life and on multiple occasions throughout each day.

Instruction has the meaning of warning and admonition. There are consequences to our behavior. Some of the consequences, whether good or bad, come immediately. Some come later on. Parents are to help their children understand what the consequences are for behaviors they are choosing. This is to be started very early so, as in the ivy example, children can be nudged onto the right path in small increments, rather than trying to make massive changes in a teen’s behavior later on.

The responsibility of training, discipline, and instruction resides in the father and by delegation to the mother. Ultimately God holds the father responsible for how the children are raised. It is a responsibility we should not take lightly.

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.””

Earlier in chapter 5, Paul had been talking about walking in the Spirit and putting off the old and putting on the new. He then talked about the relationship between husband and wife. Now he begins to discuss principles for godly children.

Children are to obey their parents, for this is right. The King of the universe says that it is right for children to be obedient to their parents. He is talking about Christian families because he says “in the Lord.” God determines what is right and wrong. It’s not up to us to define right behavior. God does the defining. Obedience is right.

Next, children are told to honor father and mother. This is a quote from the ten commandments, Exodus 20:12. This commandment applies to adult children as well because Jesus derides the grown Pharisees for trying to find ways to squirm out of this commandment (Matt 15:4).

It’s important in God’s eyes that we show respect and honor toward our parents. They are the ones who sacrificed to bring us into the world and to care for us through all of our growing-up years. Even if your parents were not ideal, perhaps even abusive in some ways, honor is still due to them because God used them as vessels to bring you into existence. Therefore, they deserve honor.

God says this is the first commandment that has a promise associated with it. The promise is that it may go well, and that you may live long in the land. This promise is taken directly out of the ten commandments. I look at this as a principle promise. In other words, it does not apply specifically to every individual all the time. I say this because, for example, there may be a young man who honors his parents. Later on he joins the military and is killed in action. I don’t think this promise is saying you won’t be killed in action, or in a car accident.

I think what the promise is saying is that people who honor their parents are generally people who have the rest of their lives in order as well, and as such, their lifestyle is one that will typically produce a long life. I may be wrong and you can feel free to disagree. But that’s what I think when it comes to this command and the associated promise.